Honoring Ourselves: Freeing Ourselves from People-Pleasing

I hear people talking about feeling guilty because of the boundaries they set, or worried that they are going to harm someone else because they set boundaries that someone else might not agree with or want.

I too have struggled with this. The people pleaser in me has wanted people to like me and to not feel disappointed in or by me. I have committed to activities or roles I didn’t want because I perceived that other people would be happy if I showed up in that way.

One of the things that I’ve noticed is that my people-pleasing self is a self that is disconnected from me. What do I mean by that? As I look outward and project, trying to figure out what others’ expectations of me are and respond to those expectations, my energy is outside of me, casting out to other people.

When I ask myself the question: can I actually know what someone else needs when they haven’t expressed it directly to me? Or what their unexpressed expectations are? Can I actually show up in the just right perfect way for someone else? I pause.

Then, I flip the question: can someone else actually know my unexpressed needs? Can someone else truly know what my expectations are? Can someone else actually show up in the just right perfect way for me?

The answer is maybe sometimes? If someone was particularly attuned in the moment, maybe they could hit the nail right on the head and show up for me in ways I didn’t even realize I needed. That has happened in my life for sure and that has truly been an amazing feeling.

But to expect that someone always be that in-tune, that perfect at hitting the nail on the head? I wouldn’t want anyone to be so anxiously in relationship with me to feel that kind of pressure. Yikes. No way. I prefer my connection and time with others to be easier, more fluid, and less all about getting it right.

Then, what does that mean about my people-pleasing? If I focus this anxious energy on getting it right for others and trying to divine their expectations and disappointment… how present am I? How much am I actually able to be there with them?

If I’m that focused on what I think they need and want, how much am I aware of my own needs and feelings? How can they connect with me if I’m not even connecting with myself?

I remember when a beloved therapist I had years ago told me that my boundaries are not my problem. If someone else doesn’t approve of my boundaries, that’s there’s to figure out. I can’t possibly.

Another game-changer for me has been to practice thanking people when they set boundaries with me. Even if my friend can’t attend a get-together and I really was looking forward to connecting with her, when I practice thanking her for honoring her “no” or “not today” with me, it reminds me of the privilege of boundaries. If she can be honest with me about where she is at, what a gift. I don’t have to guess – she’s just taking care of herself in the ways that make sense for her in the moment. And my disappointment at not seeing her, that’s mine to soothe and take care of. It’s ok that she’s taking care of herself and holding her boundary.

Rather than making it about me or my problem, I can use my energy to focus on caring and being kind to my experience of disappointment and recognize that it’s normal and ok, and doesn’t mean that anything is wrong or worrisome.

By thanking my friend for honoring our relationship by trusting me with her boundary, I am reminding myself that it’s ok. It’s ok and an honor to set a boundary. It’s ok and an honor to receive and respect a boundary from someone else.

I may need to exhale long and slow and take care of my heart. I may need to remind myself to feel the ground beneath and the steady drum of my heartbeat. I may need to listen to the wind and the birds and remember that the world is much much bigger than my fear and gain perspective that it’s ok – the earth is still turning on its axis. The sun is still in the sky.

I may need to validate that people-pleasing is my attempt to feel safe, protected and belong. And that the people-pleasing attempt doesn’t actually achieve that safety, protection, and belonging. I must first feel into the safety of my own truth, the protection of my own inner-knowing and my boundary, and deeply belong to myself.

And then, I show up in the most authentic present way. My connections are intentional and real. My heart overflows. And my loving presence seems to be more deeply experienced by those around me.

What a gift, boundaries are. Once we move through the fear of setting them – not too rigidly so as to shut everyone and ourselves out – but authentically and heartfelt – we have the freedom and permission to be more fully alive.

At least, that’s been true for me.